Dear friend.

Today is a new day.
Last night was horrid.
Dreadful.
Hurt.
Angered.
Frustrated.

Today I sit alone in an empty house listening to Pandora radio, Inspirational Radio.

Showered and pink parts scrubbed? Check.
Medication swallowed? Check.
Shakeology shake? Check.
Chicken and brown rice prepared by a friend eaten? Check.
Sitting with a heavy heart thinking of person dear to my heart, who has been there for me in such a special way, unlike anyone else for the past two years?.......................(check).

You were there for me when everyone else pushed me away.
You were there to run after me.
You were there when I wept.
You were there for me when I was transitioning on medications.
You were there to come see me in the hospital, even taking me to the hospital.
You were there to take me to doctor appointments.
You were there to pick me up.
You were there to hug me.
You were there to laugh with me.
You were there to cry with me.
You were there to joke with me.
You were there to love me.
Was your love perfect? No. (It wasn't expected)
Was it always healthy? No. (We are all learning)
Where you perfect? No. (Neither am I)
Where you flawed in and of yourself? Yes. (Just like me)

As you once told me, "Jason, you are perfectly flawed." (As you are as well)

It was for you that I say, "I am well, thank you." (as opposed to I am good, thank you)
It is because of you that I see Family Guy differently.
It is because of you that I will never again look at a hookah the same, without remembering the good times and laughs we shared.
I won't be able to watch Tosh.0 without thinking of you.
From your bathroom ritual (toliet paper, you know what I am talking about) to how you would annoy the heck out of me with washing your hands at the kitchen sink and slinging water all over the floor.
Those are the things that are remembered...and even at times, missed.

We have a choice.
We have a decision.
Many people allow hurt and pain to rip them apart and hold onto grudges, hurt and anger which are wedged between them that years and years of seperation can't even heal.

We have a different opportunity.
We can make a choice to be there for each other, regardless of what the road ahead brings us.

As we grow older, we realize how important people are in our lives. (Especially when they are gone)

I make the choice today to ALWAYS be there for you. (as long as I am on 'This Side of the Dirt')
I make the choice to remain when everyone else walks out.
I make the choice to be the friend for life that you deserve.
I make the choice to set aside my hurt and pain, exchanging it for forgiveness and love.
I make the choice to desire you to be apart of my life. (whatever that looks like)
I want to encourage you.
Challenge you.
Push you towards good things.
To pursue excellence.
Not to remain content with the status quo.
If your not moving forward to good things, the bad things have a chance to catch up to you, that you walked away from.
You were made for great things.
You were designed with a loving, compassionate heart and soft spirit.
Don't allow ANYONE or life to jade you and make you calloused.

Time changes.
Time moves forward.
People change.

One thing remains the same.
YOU. ARE. LOVED.

#Phillipians4:13

...YOU CAN BE ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST...

Depression. Described.

I am often asked what my depression feels like.

What I experience.

My symptoms.

Mentally.

Physically.

The following is a brief glimpse into the world I live in each day, each passing hour and minute.

(To be read w/ an empathetic heart)

Time for transparency.

Where do I begin...?

A glimpse into my world:
Burning.
Torment.
Confusion.
Headaches.
Searing pain.
Brain zaps.
Piercing pains in my head.
Foggy.
Looking through cloudy lenses.
Attempting to peer through a fish tank however its too cloudy and unclear.
Mental anguish.
Being in a dark room and the walls are caving in on me.
Feeling crushed.
Feeling hopeless.
Dead inside.
Being held under water, with no chance of relief and breathe.
Heartache.
Feeling lost.
Not rest.
No peace.
Unable to sleep.
Horrible, vivid dreams and nightmares.
Weary.
Uncontrollable thoughts.
Inability to turn off the negative faucet.
Difficulty reading.
Eyes burn.
Difficulty comprehending.
Difficult making decisions.
Doubting myself.
Insecure.
Aches.
No energy.
Replaying the past over and over.
Frustration.
Anger.
Envy.
Crying.
Wounded.
No meaning to life.
Just existing.
Breathing, barely.
Mental and physically exhausted from the fight.
Wishing to go to sleep and never wake up.
Feeling death over the shoulder.
Whispers (figurative) reminding me of my failures.
Chronic pain.
Mental fatigue.
No clarity.
Inability to get bored.
Creative mindset shot to pieces.
Yearning for rest.
Anxiety.
Pressure.
Feeling left behind.
Afraid.
Fear.
Fear of being alone.

Then that fear being my reality.

I am alone.

#duckfepression

Day 3.

Day 3.

Not a good day.
Many mixed emotions and feelings.

Fear.
Frustration.
Anger.
Doubt.
Love.
Care.

Torn. Weathered. Disrespected. Not of value.

Are my emotions and feelings lying to me?
Is this how a mind like mine operates?
Does it believe lies when those lies aren't reality?
Does the pain within cause my lense and filter to be jaded and unclear to rightfully access matters?

Growing up, when the television didn't work properly and the picture wasn't quite clear...we hit it!
We struck the television hoping that it would fix matters. More times than not, it did...outwardedly.
However the problem still remained, deep within the walls of that idot box.

What if ones mind is the television however there is no 'reboot' button to clear the issue and start again?

How do I make it through this?
What is life like 'On the Other Side'?

Pain, I sleep with you tonight.
Hurt, you are my bed fellow.
Confusion, you dance around my mind.
Depression, you may have taken some ground however I will rise tomorrow to fight you again.

When will it end?

#callousedknuckles

A Night to Remember

June 29th, 2012.

I sit alone in my dark bedroom, illuminated by only the light from a flickering candle and the glow from the monitor from the laptop that I am using to write this blog.

A warm milk, with Chai tea sets at my bedside eager to be sipped.

Shadows dance gracefully on the ceiling, just as the flame dances inside the jar of the candle.

With soothing meditation music softly playing in my earphones, I ponder.

I sit and ask myself, "Where did this come from?"

Tonight, I realized that I am experiencing something few ever have the chance to experience, yet all deserve the opportunity.

I don't deserve it.
I wasn't looking for it. (Or maybe I was in some odd way, maybe my heart was)
I did nothing to earn it.
It was freely given to me.

I am all as listed below (and more)
Object of your affection.
Object of your care.
Object of your love.

I am a very grateful person to know that I am loved and cared for.
Every person deserves this.
Every man.
Every woman.
Every boy.
Every girl.

Regardless of religion, race, sex, color, creed, age, disability or sexual orientation.

One thing remains unchanged.

Love remains the same.

To be truly loved means we are truly living.

You came into my life for a reason yet unknown, however you give me many reasons to fight.

You gave me something that a medication cannot do.
You gave me something that talk therapy cannot give me.
You gave me something money cannot buy.

You give me HOPE.

Thank you.
#bearmugwithhoney

...My First Step toward Healing...

June 28th, 2012.

Starbucks. Coffee. Research. More coffee. More research. Surfing. Stopping to try and laugh. My night with a dear friend. He is helping and offering me emotional, physical and spiritual support, while jumping on the train as I move forward in seeking my healing toward mental wellness and wholeness in all areas of my life.

Me: Blessed. Grateful. Honored. Hopeful. Encouraged.

This night serves as a Mile Marker in my life toward the healing in which is coming to me regarding my mental health and wellness.

It is now June 29th, 2012, 12:30 am. Time to pack up and go home.

...My journey continues tomorrow...

#keeptruckin'