...Why?

...Why...

Why do You love me?

Why do You look on me with love?

Why do You continue to reach out to me?

Why do You still keep pushing through the darkness to show Your mercy?

Why did You hang upon that cross for me?

Why did You endure a life on this Earth, the one that You spoke into existance, for me?

I have one question to ask of You...

When you broke away from others and sat by Yourself along the sea shore...

Did You ever think of me as You watched the waves crash on the shore?

Your heart broke for people.

I can only hope mine would be a fraction of what Yours is.

You spoke no words of condemnation.

In You there is none.

May none leave my lips also.

You repay my misdeeds with love.

You repay my stubborness with grace.

You repay my selfishness with Self sacrifice.

Why do You love me so much?

Why oh Lord, why?

#YouAreWorthy

LOVE.

Love.
What is love?
Have you ever loved?
Have you ever been loved?
Have those words left your lips? "I love you."
Those words can mean so many things to so many different people.

What does the word LOVE mean to you?

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not self seeking.
Love does not boast.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love endures.
Love does not give up.
Love is an action.
Love knows no gender.
Love knows no race.
Love knows no limits.
Love is boundless.
Love holds on when the rest of the world lets go.
Love is to be celebrated.
Love is never to be ashamed of.
Love is eternal.

#LOVEWINS

I make the choice today to love.

Moment in Time.

There we were.

Together.

At last.

I felt a million miles away from you.

I didn't know how to bridge the void between us.

Small talk.

Laugh.

Joke.

I still felt so far away.

Your smile enchanted me.

Yet I couldn't seem to catch your eye.

Just to capture a glimpse.

Your distinct walk.

Your small mannerisms.

Your joyous laugh.

Your care free spirit.

Your eyes shown brightly.

There we were, alone.

The inches separating us seemed like an eternal abyss.

I yearned for a hope to just touch you.

You to touch me.

Hesitation.

My touch caressed you ever so softly.

My fingers danced upon your skin.

The walls slowly eroded away like sand castles on the beach being greeted with the waves.

You pulled me close.

Time stood still.

Seconds ticked.

Our arms wrapped around the other.

Our bodies grew warm.

Our breathes grew deeper.

Lips meet.

As our lips touch, the anticipation burst into a final release.

Finally.

I had been aching for that.

Moment in time.

3 B's.

...3 B's...

Breathe.
Believe.
Battle.

After having my head forced under the water by the debilitating depression that I battled each and every day, I have come up for a breathe of air.

I gasp.
My lungs expand.
I didn't realize this was possible.

...Breathe.

I am believing in myself more and more each day, and learning to retrain my brain and mind in differenent ways of thought and cognitive conditioning. Is it possible to live a life free from clinical depression and is it possible to overcome mental illness? An illness that is just as debilitating physically as it is mentally?

...Believe.

I am to tap into the competitive spirit that I was born with and used so often during my athletic team sporting events while growing up.

In facing opponents that were bigger, stronger, faster and more talented that myself, I fought and battled.

...I face a different opponent today.

One that is just as BIG, STRONG and OVERPOWERING.

One that lacks mercy.
One that lacks compassion.
One that lacks empathy.

This time, there are no cheering fans.

This time, there are no teammates.

This time, it isn't about a sporting event.

This time, it is about my life.

I am stepping into a new arena to do battle.

Maybe this time I have a fighting chance.

...Battle.

#continuetofight

Laughed.

Last night I laughed.
Last night I smiled and sang a song unlike I have in YEARS.
I am looking for ways to make it through this time and to find a reason to live.
I am looking for inroads to follow.
I am looking for ways to redefine my life.
I ask myself, "Was all the pain worth the little bit of happiness you have experienced?"
I feel we don't truly understand and know what happiness is unless we have experienced loss and pain.
Only then can we truly know what it means to live in the moment and be free.
Content, free to love and live.
Living life with a deeper sense purpose and love for others.
I am praying for continued progress and hope to continue to get better and healthier.
A hope.
At least I can hope now.

#continuingthejourney

LIFE SAVER.

Today was my 6th ECT treatment.

Today was a rough day.

Sore body.

Nauseous.

Headaches.

Getting stuck with needles is no fun.

However, either is living with depression.

I will take the trade off though.

ECT has brought about some relief from the debilitating depression that plagued me.

I have slept in the past few days unlike I have in the previous four years.

Am I cured? No.

Am I better? Yes.

When you are having to fight your own mind and retrain yourself on how to see life differently, it's very challenging and a daily fight.

It is an inner struggle that no one sees you fighting, alone.

I ask myself now, what is there to live for?

Or as a friend questioned me, I ask myself, "How did I end up here?"

No time to wonder how.

Time to start living.

Each day is a gift from God to be shared with others.

Who have you loved today?

If I am given a new lease on life, how will I spend the rest of my days?

Do I still have to battle this foe for the rest of my life?

I know this one thing: I want my life to make a difference in the lives of others, for good.

I don't want my life to be just a vapor in time, never to be remembered and never to have made an impact in the lives of others.

I prayerfully seek Gods best and His direction in my life.

#seekingHisface

Clouds.

Something has happened.

Today is Saturday, 07/21/2012.

I am sitting in my hospital room and looking out the window as the storm clouds roll in.

Lighting.
Rain.
Clouds.

TV is off.
Pandora radio set to a Relaxation/Calming station.

I lay back and prepare to journal about my experience with ECT.

I had my second ECT treatment yesterday, on Friday.

I cannot put a finger on it or understand it just yet, however something is different.

New medication?

ECT treatment?

Change of environment?

A combination of all the above?

I don't know what it is however I will take it!

I am thinking a bit clearier and things are beginning to have substance to them.

I can feel myself thinking differently, reading a bit and  writing a bit more proficiently.

There is still a haze and still confusion.

However, relatively speaking, I am actually doing better.

I came up and took a breathe of air from under the heavy darkness of my depression.

Does ECT work?

Is it the medication?

Is it both?

I would say, "Yes."

The clouds roll outside as the thunder and lighting crash.

The clouds have split a bit for me as well and I am able to possibly see how this may, may work.

Glory be to God on High for His provision!

I am still optomisitcally hopeful that this continues to improve.

#whenitRAINSdance