...Why?

...Why...

Why do You love me?

Why do You look on me with love?

Why do You continue to reach out to me?

Why do You still keep pushing through the darkness to show Your mercy?

Why did You hang upon that cross for me?

Why did You endure a life on this Earth, the one that You spoke into existance, for me?

I have one question to ask of You...

When you broke away from others and sat by Yourself along the sea shore...

Did You ever think of me as You watched the waves crash on the shore?

Your heart broke for people.

I can only hope mine would be a fraction of what Yours is.

You spoke no words of condemnation.

In You there is none.

May none leave my lips also.

You repay my misdeeds with love.

You repay my stubborness with grace.

You repay my selfishness with Self sacrifice.

Why do You love me so much?

Why oh Lord, why?

#YouAreWorthy

LOVE.

Love.
What is love?
Have you ever loved?
Have you ever been loved?
Have those words left your lips? "I love you."
Those words can mean so many things to so many different people.

What does the word LOVE mean to you?

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not self seeking.
Love does not boast.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love endures.
Love does not give up.
Love is an action.
Love knows no gender.
Love knows no race.
Love knows no limits.
Love is boundless.
Love holds on when the rest of the world lets go.
Love is to be celebrated.
Love is never to be ashamed of.
Love is eternal.

#LOVEWINS

I make the choice today to love.

Moment in Time.

There we were.

Together.

At last.

I felt a million miles away from you.

I didn't know how to bridge the void between us.

Small talk.

Laugh.

Joke.

I still felt so far away.

Your smile enchanted me.

Yet I couldn't seem to catch your eye.

Just to capture a glimpse.

Your distinct walk.

Your small mannerisms.

Your joyous laugh.

Your care free spirit.

Your eyes shown brightly.

There we were, alone.

The inches separating us seemed like an eternal abyss.

I yearned for a hope to just touch you.

You to touch me.

Hesitation.

My touch caressed you ever so softly.

My fingers danced upon your skin.

The walls slowly eroded away like sand castles on the beach being greeted with the waves.

You pulled me close.

Time stood still.

Seconds ticked.

Our arms wrapped around the other.

Our bodies grew warm.

Our breathes grew deeper.

Lips meet.

As our lips touch, the anticipation burst into a final release.

Finally.

I had been aching for that.

Moment in time.

3 B's.

...3 B's...

Breathe.
Believe.
Battle.

After having my head forced under the water by the debilitating depression that I battled each and every day, I have come up for a breathe of air.

I gasp.
My lungs expand.
I didn't realize this was possible.

...Breathe.

I am believing in myself more and more each day, and learning to retrain my brain and mind in differenent ways of thought and cognitive conditioning. Is it possible to live a life free from clinical depression and is it possible to overcome mental illness? An illness that is just as debilitating physically as it is mentally?

...Believe.

I am to tap into the competitive spirit that I was born with and used so often during my athletic team sporting events while growing up.

In facing opponents that were bigger, stronger, faster and more talented that myself, I fought and battled.

...I face a different opponent today.

One that is just as BIG, STRONG and OVERPOWERING.

One that lacks mercy.
One that lacks compassion.
One that lacks empathy.

This time, there are no cheering fans.

This time, there are no teammates.

This time, it isn't about a sporting event.

This time, it is about my life.

I am stepping into a new arena to do battle.

Maybe this time I have a fighting chance.

...Battle.

#continuetofight

Laughed.

Last night I laughed.
Last night I smiled and sang a song unlike I have in YEARS.
I am looking for ways to make it through this time and to find a reason to live.
I am looking for inroads to follow.
I am looking for ways to redefine my life.
I ask myself, "Was all the pain worth the little bit of happiness you have experienced?"
I feel we don't truly understand and know what happiness is unless we have experienced loss and pain.
Only then can we truly know what it means to live in the moment and be free.
Content, free to love and live.
Living life with a deeper sense purpose and love for others.
I am praying for continued progress and hope to continue to get better and healthier.
A hope.
At least I can hope now.

#continuingthejourney

LIFE SAVER.

Today was my 6th ECT treatment.

Today was a rough day.

Sore body.

Nauseous.

Headaches.

Getting stuck with needles is no fun.

However, either is living with depression.

I will take the trade off though.

ECT has brought about some relief from the debilitating depression that plagued me.

I have slept in the past few days unlike I have in the previous four years.

Am I cured? No.

Am I better? Yes.

When you are having to fight your own mind and retrain yourself on how to see life differently, it's very challenging and a daily fight.

It is an inner struggle that no one sees you fighting, alone.

I ask myself now, what is there to live for?

Or as a friend questioned me, I ask myself, "How did I end up here?"

No time to wonder how.

Time to start living.

Each day is a gift from God to be shared with others.

Who have you loved today?

If I am given a new lease on life, how will I spend the rest of my days?

Do I still have to battle this foe for the rest of my life?

I know this one thing: I want my life to make a difference in the lives of others, for good.

I don't want my life to be just a vapor in time, never to be remembered and never to have made an impact in the lives of others.

I prayerfully seek Gods best and His direction in my life.

#seekingHisface

Clouds.

Something has happened.

Today is Saturday, 07/21/2012.

I am sitting in my hospital room and looking out the window as the storm clouds roll in.

Lighting.
Rain.
Clouds.

TV is off.
Pandora radio set to a Relaxation/Calming station.

I lay back and prepare to journal about my experience with ECT.

I had my second ECT treatment yesterday, on Friday.

I cannot put a finger on it or understand it just yet, however something is different.

New medication?

ECT treatment?

Change of environment?

A combination of all the above?

I don't know what it is however I will take it!

I am thinking a bit clearier and things are beginning to have substance to them.

I can feel myself thinking differently, reading a bit and  writing a bit more proficiently.

There is still a haze and still confusion.

However, relatively speaking, I am actually doing better.

I came up and took a breathe of air from under the heavy darkness of my depression.

Does ECT work?

Is it the medication?

Is it both?

I would say, "Yes."

The clouds roll outside as the thunder and lighting crash.

The clouds have split a bit for me as well and I am able to possibly see how this may, may work.

Glory be to God on High for His provision!

I am still optomisitcally hopeful that this continues to improve.

#whenitRAINSdance

Round 2.

I am writing alittle late in eragrds to my ECT treatments while in Tampa, Florida.

Tomorrow will be my second ECT treatment and I am looking forward to it.

I am desperate to feel someowhat normal again.

It has been a long difficult road to travel however I am grateful for all my traveling buddies that have carried me this far.

Eager.
Nerveous.

Yet I am a fighter and this is part of the battle...

Nauseous.
Headache.
Sore.

Boxing gloves are on.

Tomorrow brings round 2.

#2

Broken Leg.

Sitting in the Tampa General hospital, I was left with a story by a fellow resident that I shared the night with by talking. The story truly made me think about Gods unconditional love for me.

I was told the following:

"When a shepherd was tending his flock and noticed that ONE sheep had wondered off and was lost. He left the others and went off to find the sheep. However to keep that sheep by his side, he broke the leg of the sheep. He did so, in an act of love, to keep that sheep close to him and the sheep would then NEVER leave his side."

This made me think about Gods love for me.

Am I broken to keep me by His side? Due to His love for me?

How has God broken you in order to keep you by His side?


#THEONE

Denied.

Denied.

Pushed and was denied.

Options? As we scramble together to find answers and treatment options.

Door slammed in our faces.

My face grew cold as my body did.

I wept.

Turned away and told nothing would help me.

How muct longer God must I suffer?

God, please move in a mighty way.

Please Lord, show up and show off.

FOR ALL YOUR GLORY.

You see the situation.

You have heard the prayers from the saints.

You are between us and Your Father.

What does He say Lord?

What is nexted?

"Give thanks in everything, for this is the will of God in Yeshua The Messiah among you."

THANK YOU LORD FOR WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROVISION AND EDUCATED DOCTORS WORKING ON MY CASE!
THANK YOU LORD FOR WHAT YOU DO AND WHAT THIS WILL DO TO SHOW OTHERS YOUR GLORY, GRACE AND MERCY!

YOUR LOVE.
YOUR GRACE.
YOUR GOODNESS.
YOUR FAITHFULNESS.

IS THERE AN ANSWER? SCRIPTURE says that YOU are the ANSWER.

Therefore, we call upon You, Yeshua for You to move on our behalf.

#prayersprayedandfingerscrossed

First step towards ECT.

ECT.

Electro Convulsive Therapy.

Many are unaware of ECT and what purpose it serves in the healing process of those with mental illnesses.

Today, is my step into that journey.

It seems to be my last option and hope.

My feelings :
Scared.
Fearful.
Worried.
Uncertain.....yet hopeful to a degree.

Seeking some relief, quite possibly for the first time in over a decade.

Depression is real.

Many are misinformed and misunderstood.

Imagine pushing a rolling snow ball up a mountain with all your strength.

The harder you push, the larger the ball becomes.

Once at the top and you think that you may have a bit of relief, the ball rolls back on top of you.

Crushing you.
Rolling back to the foot of the mountain.
Leaving you hopeless and without the energy to return to the process.

However stopping isn't an option.

You MUST do so, in order to continue to live.

Your weary.
Your broken.
Your heart aches.
Your emotional beat to a plup.
Your physically exhausted.
Your mentally pushed to levels unimaginable.
Your spiritually dry and without faith.
Yet, you walk back down to the bottom of the mountain and give it one more try.

Fighting to stay alive.

Yet...
Once again.
The snow ball engulfs you.

How long must one continue this?

#justwantrelief

Betrayal.

Jesus, is this what you felt when Judas kissed you on the cheek while offering you up for crucifixion?

Did you feel the dagger so deep in your heart, that you felt as if Your heart was going to burst?

At  Your deepest moment of need, a time when everything hinged upon one event, You were betrayed by one who claimed to love you.

The pain runs so deep and my heart is bleeding.

My heart needs to be put back together again Lord and renewed.

Please bring good, encouraging and uplifting people into my life.

Ones that want the best for me and ones that I can do the same for.

Please bring those people into my life that You want there.

Please remove anyone that You don't want there.

The time now is for ME.

ME to get better.

ME to heal.

ME to take time for myself.

I ask for Your healing in Jesus name and I ask that You continue to heal my heart, stitch me back up and set my feet on solid ground, to run th race of life towards to the goal You have set forth!

#deadmanwalking

Silence.

Jeremiah 29:11.

That's all I have to say for today, as passed along to me by a friend, as a word of encouragement.

He has a plan for this season.

I am doing all I can to walk in towards healing and hope.

#seeking

Crucified.

Blood.
Sweat.
Pain.
Hurt.
Betrayal.
Wounded soul.
Torn flesh.
Darkened day.
Iron nails piercing.
Tree erected.
Feet weary.
Knees weak.
Thorns tearing skin.
Spit upon.
Mocked.
Slapped.
Looked upon with hate.
Object of wrath.

As you knelt to pray, blood poured from your pores.
Anguish.
Anxiety.
Pain.
Gripping Your heart and soul.
Praying to ask Your Daddy if it be not His will, to remove the cup of wrath that You must drink.

You drank anyhow.

You became the object of His wrath.

Your feet cracked from the weight of the wood you carried.
Blistered from the dust of the Earth You spoke into existance.
The sun that You placed in the sky, burned Your skin.
The thorns smashed into Your head.
The nails driven through Your hands, the same hands that formed me in my mothers womb.
Your mother looked upon You in horror and grief.
Her heart broken for her Son that she raised and tucked away at night.

Yet this night, You will go alone.

As You climbed that road, You knew the ones that would climb those mountains behind You.

Your back labored from the weight of the cross.
As huge splinters shredded Your back.
How did You shoulder the weight of the world upon Your back?

As the rods ripped Your flesh and back, how did you withstand the pain?
The same men who were whipping you, your heart broke for them, for You were dying for them.
The bystanders who mocked You, You cried for them.
Your heart was poured out through the tears You bleed.
As Your blood dripped from Your flesh, forming puddles in the mud below.

As a young man, You learned the trade as a carpenter.
With each pound from Your own hammer, You knew those same nails would be driven through Your own flesh one day.

You were born, to die.

However, what took Your life that day?

Was it the sword peircing Your side?
The beating?
Your lungs not being able to breath?
The nails?
The crown You wore?
Was it seeing Your mother crying in agony over seeing her baby boy hanging on a criminals cross?

None of these things took Your life.

You willingly gave up, Your life.

However, I have one question to ask You?

When Your Daddy turned his face from You, this broke Your heart, didn't it?
You felt the ultimate rejection?
Did You ask Yourself, "What else could be so painful?"

You were all alone.

No one was coming to You.

Your own Father turned from You.
You became what He could not look upon.
You embodied every wicked, evil thing upon the Earth and below it.

You drank the cup of wrath placed before You. Yet You Yourself were even wishing for it to pass from You.

I ask, "What took Your life from You that day?"

The question is rhetorical.

You died from a broken heart, didn't You?

Cardiomyopathy?

Your heart was broken.
Shattered.
Rejected.
Wounded.

You committed Your spirit.
You were God in the flesh, yet You committed Your own spirit unto death.

I would dare to question anyone who says You were weak, a coward or selfish.

You were swallowed up by death, only to overcome it once and for all...for all of us.

#YOUALONEAREWORHTY

Overcoming.

What is man to overcome?

Greed?
Financial ruin?
Lust?
Envy?
Jealousy?
Family hardships?
____________?

The greatest thing that man has to overcome isn't anything external.

Overcoming oneself is the greatest feat one can pursue to accomplish.

That journey does not end until we lie on the other side of the dirt.

#stepone

The Last Coffee...

Last coffee.
Last tea.

Last breakfast.
Last lunch.
Last dinner.

Last birthday.

Last laugh.
Last hug.
Last smile.
Last kiss.

One day, we will all experience these.

Whether it be with family, friends or that special person in your life...
Cherish each one, for you never know when it will be your last with that other person.

#lifeisshortLOVEHARD

Wall. 23 years.

Wall. Black. Cold. Solid. Immovable.

There you are again.
I have grown to know every square inch of you.
You have been my closest companion for well over 23 years now.

Can you not back up a few feet to allow me the space to breathe?

I face you each day.
Your sturdiness and resistance never change.
I open my eyes and see darkness because you are so close.
My eyes aren't able to see around you.
My mental eye is blocked.
I am unable to see anything because you are forever present.
My breathe bounces off of you because you won't allow me space.

Even as long as we have known each other, you have remained the same:

Dark.
Cold.
Crushing.
(However you have grown over the years)

Sucking the life out of me.

You, a vampire of sorts.

However vampires only come out in the night.
You are always present, even on the brightest, sun filled day.

You have no arms, yet you have robbed me.
You have no hands, yet you have covered my eyes, blinding me from seeing hope.
You have no legs, however you have run me over.
You have no feet, yet you kick my teeth in each day.
You have no mouth, yet you speak words of pain and hoplessness to me.
You have laughed at me.
You have spoken wicked things to me.
You have shattered my self esteem.
You have plagued my mind.
You have narrowed my vision.
You have clouded my judgement.
You have haunted me for too long.

Wall.

Look at yourself.
You are shapeless.
You are cold.
You are flat.
You are dark.

Are you not happy with yourself?
Is that it?
Are you not happy with yourself that you choose to smash my face in the dirt each day, for a bit of perverted joy, knowing that someone is as miserbale as yourself?

We may know each other however I am not like you.

I am a person.
I am flesh and bone.
I am spirit.
I am soul.
I am feelings.
I am emotion.
I am a living being.
I am loved.
I am loved by my family.
I am loved by my friends.
I am loved by God.

God will have His last laugh my close, cold and dark friend.

Your days are numbered.

Until that day, I rise to fight you again.

#inneedofstrength

Dear friend.

Today is a new day.
Last night was horrid.
Dreadful.
Hurt.
Angered.
Frustrated.

Today I sit alone in an empty house listening to Pandora radio, Inspirational Radio.

Showered and pink parts scrubbed? Check.
Medication swallowed? Check.
Shakeology shake? Check.
Chicken and brown rice prepared by a friend eaten? Check.
Sitting with a heavy heart thinking of person dear to my heart, who has been there for me in such a special way, unlike anyone else for the past two years?.......................(check).

You were there for me when everyone else pushed me away.
You were there to run after me.
You were there when I wept.
You were there for me when I was transitioning on medications.
You were there to come see me in the hospital, even taking me to the hospital.
You were there to take me to doctor appointments.
You were there to pick me up.
You were there to hug me.
You were there to laugh with me.
You were there to cry with me.
You were there to joke with me.
You were there to love me.
Was your love perfect? No. (It wasn't expected)
Was it always healthy? No. (We are all learning)
Where you perfect? No. (Neither am I)
Where you flawed in and of yourself? Yes. (Just like me)

As you once told me, "Jason, you are perfectly flawed." (As you are as well)

It was for you that I say, "I am well, thank you." (as opposed to I am good, thank you)
It is because of you that I see Family Guy differently.
It is because of you that I will never again look at a hookah the same, without remembering the good times and laughs we shared.
I won't be able to watch Tosh.0 without thinking of you.
From your bathroom ritual (toliet paper, you know what I am talking about) to how you would annoy the heck out of me with washing your hands at the kitchen sink and slinging water all over the floor.
Those are the things that are remembered...and even at times, missed.

We have a choice.
We have a decision.
Many people allow hurt and pain to rip them apart and hold onto grudges, hurt and anger which are wedged between them that years and years of seperation can't even heal.

We have a different opportunity.
We can make a choice to be there for each other, regardless of what the road ahead brings us.

As we grow older, we realize how important people are in our lives. (Especially when they are gone)

I make the choice today to ALWAYS be there for you. (as long as I am on 'This Side of the Dirt')
I make the choice to remain when everyone else walks out.
I make the choice to be the friend for life that you deserve.
I make the choice to set aside my hurt and pain, exchanging it for forgiveness and love.
I make the choice to desire you to be apart of my life. (whatever that looks like)
I want to encourage you.
Challenge you.
Push you towards good things.
To pursue excellence.
Not to remain content with the status quo.
If your not moving forward to good things, the bad things have a chance to catch up to you, that you walked away from.
You were made for great things.
You were designed with a loving, compassionate heart and soft spirit.
Don't allow ANYONE or life to jade you and make you calloused.

Time changes.
Time moves forward.
People change.

One thing remains the same.
YOU. ARE. LOVED.

#Phillipians4:13

...YOU CAN BE ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST...

Depression. Described.

I am often asked what my depression feels like.

What I experience.

My symptoms.

Mentally.

Physically.

The following is a brief glimpse into the world I live in each day, each passing hour and minute.

(To be read w/ an empathetic heart)

Time for transparency.

Where do I begin...?

A glimpse into my world:
Burning.
Torment.
Confusion.
Headaches.
Searing pain.
Brain zaps.
Piercing pains in my head.
Foggy.
Looking through cloudy lenses.
Attempting to peer through a fish tank however its too cloudy and unclear.
Mental anguish.
Being in a dark room and the walls are caving in on me.
Feeling crushed.
Feeling hopeless.
Dead inside.
Being held under water, with no chance of relief and breathe.
Heartache.
Feeling lost.
Not rest.
No peace.
Unable to sleep.
Horrible, vivid dreams and nightmares.
Weary.
Uncontrollable thoughts.
Inability to turn off the negative faucet.
Difficulty reading.
Eyes burn.
Difficulty comprehending.
Difficult making decisions.
Doubting myself.
Insecure.
Aches.
No energy.
Replaying the past over and over.
Frustration.
Anger.
Envy.
Crying.
Wounded.
No meaning to life.
Just existing.
Breathing, barely.
Mental and physically exhausted from the fight.
Wishing to go to sleep and never wake up.
Feeling death over the shoulder.
Whispers (figurative) reminding me of my failures.
Chronic pain.
Mental fatigue.
No clarity.
Inability to get bored.
Creative mindset shot to pieces.
Yearning for rest.
Anxiety.
Pressure.
Feeling left behind.
Afraid.
Fear.
Fear of being alone.

Then that fear being my reality.

I am alone.

#duckfepression

Day 3.

Day 3.

Not a good day.
Many mixed emotions and feelings.

Fear.
Frustration.
Anger.
Doubt.
Love.
Care.

Torn. Weathered. Disrespected. Not of value.

Are my emotions and feelings lying to me?
Is this how a mind like mine operates?
Does it believe lies when those lies aren't reality?
Does the pain within cause my lense and filter to be jaded and unclear to rightfully access matters?

Growing up, when the television didn't work properly and the picture wasn't quite clear...we hit it!
We struck the television hoping that it would fix matters. More times than not, it did...outwardedly.
However the problem still remained, deep within the walls of that idot box.

What if ones mind is the television however there is no 'reboot' button to clear the issue and start again?

How do I make it through this?
What is life like 'On the Other Side'?

Pain, I sleep with you tonight.
Hurt, you are my bed fellow.
Confusion, you dance around my mind.
Depression, you may have taken some ground however I will rise tomorrow to fight you again.

When will it end?

#callousedknuckles

A Night to Remember

June 29th, 2012.

I sit alone in my dark bedroom, illuminated by only the light from a flickering candle and the glow from the monitor from the laptop that I am using to write this blog.

A warm milk, with Chai tea sets at my bedside eager to be sipped.

Shadows dance gracefully on the ceiling, just as the flame dances inside the jar of the candle.

With soothing meditation music softly playing in my earphones, I ponder.

I sit and ask myself, "Where did this come from?"

Tonight, I realized that I am experiencing something few ever have the chance to experience, yet all deserve the opportunity.

I don't deserve it.
I wasn't looking for it. (Or maybe I was in some odd way, maybe my heart was)
I did nothing to earn it.
It was freely given to me.

I am all as listed below (and more)
Object of your affection.
Object of your care.
Object of your love.

I am a very grateful person to know that I am loved and cared for.
Every person deserves this.
Every man.
Every woman.
Every boy.
Every girl.

Regardless of religion, race, sex, color, creed, age, disability or sexual orientation.

One thing remains unchanged.

Love remains the same.

To be truly loved means we are truly living.

You came into my life for a reason yet unknown, however you give me many reasons to fight.

You gave me something that a medication cannot do.
You gave me something that talk therapy cannot give me.
You gave me something money cannot buy.

You give me HOPE.

Thank you.
#bearmugwithhoney

...My First Step toward Healing...

June 28th, 2012.

Starbucks. Coffee. Research. More coffee. More research. Surfing. Stopping to try and laugh. My night with a dear friend. He is helping and offering me emotional, physical and spiritual support, while jumping on the train as I move forward in seeking my healing toward mental wellness and wholeness in all areas of my life.

Me: Blessed. Grateful. Honored. Hopeful. Encouraged.

This night serves as a Mile Marker in my life toward the healing in which is coming to me regarding my mental health and wellness.

It is now June 29th, 2012, 12:30 am. Time to pack up and go home.

...My journey continues tomorrow...

#keeptruckin'