LIFE SAVER.

Today was my 6th ECT treatment.

Today was a rough day.

Sore body.

Nauseous.

Headaches.

Getting stuck with needles is no fun.

However, either is living with depression.

I will take the trade off though.

ECT has brought about some relief from the debilitating depression that plagued me.

I have slept in the past few days unlike I have in the previous four years.

Am I cured? No.

Am I better? Yes.

When you are having to fight your own mind and retrain yourself on how to see life differently, it's very challenging and a daily fight.

It is an inner struggle that no one sees you fighting, alone.

I ask myself now, what is there to live for?

Or as a friend questioned me, I ask myself, "How did I end up here?"

No time to wonder how.

Time to start living.

Each day is a gift from God to be shared with others.

Who have you loved today?

If I am given a new lease on life, how will I spend the rest of my days?

Do I still have to battle this foe for the rest of my life?

I know this one thing: I want my life to make a difference in the lives of others, for good.

I don't want my life to be just a vapor in time, never to be remembered and never to have made an impact in the lives of others.

I prayerfully seek Gods best and His direction in my life.

#seekingHisface

Clouds.

Something has happened.

Today is Saturday, 07/21/2012.

I am sitting in my hospital room and looking out the window as the storm clouds roll in.

Lighting.
Rain.
Clouds.

TV is off.
Pandora radio set to a Relaxation/Calming station.

I lay back and prepare to journal about my experience with ECT.

I had my second ECT treatment yesterday, on Friday.

I cannot put a finger on it or understand it just yet, however something is different.

New medication?

ECT treatment?

Change of environment?

A combination of all the above?

I don't know what it is however I will take it!

I am thinking a bit clearier and things are beginning to have substance to them.

I can feel myself thinking differently, reading a bit and  writing a bit more proficiently.

There is still a haze and still confusion.

However, relatively speaking, I am actually doing better.

I came up and took a breathe of air from under the heavy darkness of my depression.

Does ECT work?

Is it the medication?

Is it both?

I would say, "Yes."

The clouds roll outside as the thunder and lighting crash.

The clouds have split a bit for me as well and I am able to possibly see how this may, may work.

Glory be to God on High for His provision!

I am still optomisitcally hopeful that this continues to improve.

#whenitRAINSdance

Round 2.

I am writing alittle late in eragrds to my ECT treatments while in Tampa, Florida.

Tomorrow will be my second ECT treatment and I am looking forward to it.

I am desperate to feel someowhat normal again.

It has been a long difficult road to travel however I am grateful for all my traveling buddies that have carried me this far.

Eager.
Nerveous.

Yet I am a fighter and this is part of the battle...

Nauseous.
Headache.
Sore.

Boxing gloves are on.

Tomorrow brings round 2.

#2

Broken Leg.

Sitting in the Tampa General hospital, I was left with a story by a fellow resident that I shared the night with by talking. The story truly made me think about Gods unconditional love for me.

I was told the following:

"When a shepherd was tending his flock and noticed that ONE sheep had wondered off and was lost. He left the others and went off to find the sheep. However to keep that sheep by his side, he broke the leg of the sheep. He did so, in an act of love, to keep that sheep close to him and the sheep would then NEVER leave his side."

This made me think about Gods love for me.

Am I broken to keep me by His side? Due to His love for me?

How has God broken you in order to keep you by His side?


#THEONE

Denied.

Denied.

Pushed and was denied.

Options? As we scramble together to find answers and treatment options.

Door slammed in our faces.

My face grew cold as my body did.

I wept.

Turned away and told nothing would help me.

How muct longer God must I suffer?

God, please move in a mighty way.

Please Lord, show up and show off.

FOR ALL YOUR GLORY.

You see the situation.

You have heard the prayers from the saints.

You are between us and Your Father.

What does He say Lord?

What is nexted?

"Give thanks in everything, for this is the will of God in Yeshua The Messiah among you."

THANK YOU LORD FOR WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROVISION AND EDUCATED DOCTORS WORKING ON MY CASE!
THANK YOU LORD FOR WHAT YOU DO AND WHAT THIS WILL DO TO SHOW OTHERS YOUR GLORY, GRACE AND MERCY!

YOUR LOVE.
YOUR GRACE.
YOUR GOODNESS.
YOUR FAITHFULNESS.

IS THERE AN ANSWER? SCRIPTURE says that YOU are the ANSWER.

Therefore, we call upon You, Yeshua for You to move on our behalf.

#prayersprayedandfingerscrossed

First step towards ECT.

ECT.

Electro Convulsive Therapy.

Many are unaware of ECT and what purpose it serves in the healing process of those with mental illnesses.

Today, is my step into that journey.

It seems to be my last option and hope.

My feelings :
Scared.
Fearful.
Worried.
Uncertain.....yet hopeful to a degree.

Seeking some relief, quite possibly for the first time in over a decade.

Depression is real.

Many are misinformed and misunderstood.

Imagine pushing a rolling snow ball up a mountain with all your strength.

The harder you push, the larger the ball becomes.

Once at the top and you think that you may have a bit of relief, the ball rolls back on top of you.

Crushing you.
Rolling back to the foot of the mountain.
Leaving you hopeless and without the energy to return to the process.

However stopping isn't an option.

You MUST do so, in order to continue to live.

Your weary.
Your broken.
Your heart aches.
Your emotional beat to a plup.
Your physically exhausted.
Your mentally pushed to levels unimaginable.
Your spiritually dry and without faith.
Yet, you walk back down to the bottom of the mountain and give it one more try.

Fighting to stay alive.

Yet...
Once again.
The snow ball engulfs you.

How long must one continue this?

#justwantrelief

Betrayal.

Jesus, is this what you felt when Judas kissed you on the cheek while offering you up for crucifixion?

Did you feel the dagger so deep in your heart, that you felt as if Your heart was going to burst?

At  Your deepest moment of need, a time when everything hinged upon one event, You were betrayed by one who claimed to love you.

The pain runs so deep and my heart is bleeding.

My heart needs to be put back together again Lord and renewed.

Please bring good, encouraging and uplifting people into my life.

Ones that want the best for me and ones that I can do the same for.

Please bring those people into my life that You want there.

Please remove anyone that You don't want there.

The time now is for ME.

ME to get better.

ME to heal.

ME to take time for myself.

I ask for Your healing in Jesus name and I ask that You continue to heal my heart, stitch me back up and set my feet on solid ground, to run th race of life towards to the goal You have set forth!

#deadmanwalking

Silence.

Jeremiah 29:11.

That's all I have to say for today, as passed along to me by a friend, as a word of encouragement.

He has a plan for this season.

I am doing all I can to walk in towards healing and hope.

#seeking

Crucified.

Blood.
Sweat.
Pain.
Hurt.
Betrayal.
Wounded soul.
Torn flesh.
Darkened day.
Iron nails piercing.
Tree erected.
Feet weary.
Knees weak.
Thorns tearing skin.
Spit upon.
Mocked.
Slapped.
Looked upon with hate.
Object of wrath.

As you knelt to pray, blood poured from your pores.
Anguish.
Anxiety.
Pain.
Gripping Your heart and soul.
Praying to ask Your Daddy if it be not His will, to remove the cup of wrath that You must drink.

You drank anyhow.

You became the object of His wrath.

Your feet cracked from the weight of the wood you carried.
Blistered from the dust of the Earth You spoke into existance.
The sun that You placed in the sky, burned Your skin.
The thorns smashed into Your head.
The nails driven through Your hands, the same hands that formed me in my mothers womb.
Your mother looked upon You in horror and grief.
Her heart broken for her Son that she raised and tucked away at night.

Yet this night, You will go alone.

As You climbed that road, You knew the ones that would climb those mountains behind You.

Your back labored from the weight of the cross.
As huge splinters shredded Your back.
How did You shoulder the weight of the world upon Your back?

As the rods ripped Your flesh and back, how did you withstand the pain?
The same men who were whipping you, your heart broke for them, for You were dying for them.
The bystanders who mocked You, You cried for them.
Your heart was poured out through the tears You bleed.
As Your blood dripped from Your flesh, forming puddles in the mud below.

As a young man, You learned the trade as a carpenter.
With each pound from Your own hammer, You knew those same nails would be driven through Your own flesh one day.

You were born, to die.

However, what took Your life that day?

Was it the sword peircing Your side?
The beating?
Your lungs not being able to breath?
The nails?
The crown You wore?
Was it seeing Your mother crying in agony over seeing her baby boy hanging on a criminals cross?

None of these things took Your life.

You willingly gave up, Your life.

However, I have one question to ask You?

When Your Daddy turned his face from You, this broke Your heart, didn't it?
You felt the ultimate rejection?
Did You ask Yourself, "What else could be so painful?"

You were all alone.

No one was coming to You.

Your own Father turned from You.
You became what He could not look upon.
You embodied every wicked, evil thing upon the Earth and below it.

You drank the cup of wrath placed before You. Yet You Yourself were even wishing for it to pass from You.

I ask, "What took Your life from You that day?"

The question is rhetorical.

You died from a broken heart, didn't You?

Cardiomyopathy?

Your heart was broken.
Shattered.
Rejected.
Wounded.

You committed Your spirit.
You were God in the flesh, yet You committed Your own spirit unto death.

I would dare to question anyone who says You were weak, a coward or selfish.

You were swallowed up by death, only to overcome it once and for all...for all of us.

#YOUALONEAREWORHTY

Overcoming.

What is man to overcome?

Greed?
Financial ruin?
Lust?
Envy?
Jealousy?
Family hardships?
____________?

The greatest thing that man has to overcome isn't anything external.

Overcoming oneself is the greatest feat one can pursue to accomplish.

That journey does not end until we lie on the other side of the dirt.

#stepone

The Last Coffee...

Last coffee.
Last tea.

Last breakfast.
Last lunch.
Last dinner.

Last birthday.

Last laugh.
Last hug.
Last smile.
Last kiss.

One day, we will all experience these.

Whether it be with family, friends or that special person in your life...
Cherish each one, for you never know when it will be your last with that other person.

#lifeisshortLOVEHARD

Wall. 23 years.

Wall. Black. Cold. Solid. Immovable.

There you are again.
I have grown to know every square inch of you.
You have been my closest companion for well over 23 years now.

Can you not back up a few feet to allow me the space to breathe?

I face you each day.
Your sturdiness and resistance never change.
I open my eyes and see darkness because you are so close.
My eyes aren't able to see around you.
My mental eye is blocked.
I am unable to see anything because you are forever present.
My breathe bounces off of you because you won't allow me space.

Even as long as we have known each other, you have remained the same:

Dark.
Cold.
Crushing.
(However you have grown over the years)

Sucking the life out of me.

You, a vampire of sorts.

However vampires only come out in the night.
You are always present, even on the brightest, sun filled day.

You have no arms, yet you have robbed me.
You have no hands, yet you have covered my eyes, blinding me from seeing hope.
You have no legs, however you have run me over.
You have no feet, yet you kick my teeth in each day.
You have no mouth, yet you speak words of pain and hoplessness to me.
You have laughed at me.
You have spoken wicked things to me.
You have shattered my self esteem.
You have plagued my mind.
You have narrowed my vision.
You have clouded my judgement.
You have haunted me for too long.

Wall.

Look at yourself.
You are shapeless.
You are cold.
You are flat.
You are dark.

Are you not happy with yourself?
Is that it?
Are you not happy with yourself that you choose to smash my face in the dirt each day, for a bit of perverted joy, knowing that someone is as miserbale as yourself?

We may know each other however I am not like you.

I am a person.
I am flesh and bone.
I am spirit.
I am soul.
I am feelings.
I am emotion.
I am a living being.
I am loved.
I am loved by my family.
I am loved by my friends.
I am loved by God.

God will have His last laugh my close, cold and dark friend.

Your days are numbered.

Until that day, I rise to fight you again.

#inneedofstrength